When I was a child I would pray desperate prayers... God answered the faith of a child. That was all I had. Faith in the Father who would always provide, His good in His time. He is so good. That was my foundation in prayer. Always desperate. It carried on to people coming to me know that somehow God heard. If not for the thing, but always peace that passes understanding. I think that when you know God is the only option that something will happen you are in a place where He inclines His ear to you. I imagine Him leaning down to me... oh my Father, thank you.
As years pass some prayers aren't answered and a wall is built because I don't understand why He won't heal and answer these prayers that I feel would bring Him glory. That is just it.... what I feel will bring Him glory. A child does not know best. A good Father lovingly smiles and knows and holds. For years He held me. But my prayers were not as desperate as I began to doubt. Is He really good.... does He really what my good... questions you don't actually want to voice. They are sin, they are normal... we all ask them. And we all hide the questioning from anyone on the outside.
He begins to stir again out of my desperation. Oh I want that back. To know I am lowly and that He is holy and perfect and begging Him, because you will fail and fall if He doesn't come through. You will look like a fool. God, do not bring me to shame. My prayer is that He would make me a woman of prayer and of faith. To use me for His glory.
He uses the birth and sickness of my 7th son(!!!) to bring me back to that place. Desperate. Knowing He is sovereign and He will do what He wills. But Moses! Moses changed the heart of God toward His people. I remind God of these things. That I know and I trust, but I know He is able. What peace He gives. He answers and He saves. He draws me to Himself and He shows His glory and what only He could do. But even if He didn't, I will trust. I've been through too much to do anything else.
As I have prayed again desperately this past year again in new ways and new things that I am asking Him for, He has begun stirring. My brother reminds me in his words to someone else, "If you are asking God to do something amazing, why would you expect it to be beautiful and perfect?" Wow, it is not. But I know God can... I know He will bring the glory all for Himself and that is what I long for.
Drag us along if you have to Father... but teach me to run hard after you.
Put it in me Father.
Just as my breaths are constant and never ending, let my prayers continually rise like sweet incense before You.